“The smartest kids, they work so hard in all these classes and they don’t have a lot of time along the way to build their emotional or character competencies. Kids who are competent, but don’t have character, are dangerous.” – Houston Kraft, professional speaker, leadership consultant and kindness advocate
We are often selective in showing kindness; we only want to be kind to those who show us kindness. However, if everyone expects to receive kindness first, there would not be any kindness left. Thus, it is crucial for us to treat everyone with kindness, regardless of how other people treat us.
In educating our children, some of us who are more ‘kiasu’ might teach them to be ‘smart’ in pursuing self-interest to not lose out in this competitive society. “Inform your teachers when someone bullies you,” we might say. Gradually, the child might be inclined to take advantage of others and become increasingly selfish and self-centred.
In actuality, a lot of the selfishness that we see in society today could possibly be attributed to early childhood education by parents.
Commonly, we see that a child’s emotions and needs are the top priorities of the parent. This is especially apparent in affluent societies where parents have the resources to provide for their children, resulting in many children growing up feeling that their emotions and needs are of utmost priority and outweigh that of others.
This is especially so in this results-driven, meritocratic society that we live in. According to HSBC’s Value of Education survey, parents in Singapore have placed their children’s education as the top priority and 52% of them are willing to go into debt to fund their children’s university education.
Here, parents often place greater emphasis on academic results, asking their child how they have fared in an examination as compared to their peers. Such discussions take place more often, as compared to questions like, “Have you done a good deed for someone else today?”
But as opposed to what many think, possessing selfishness destroys relationships, be it among family members or colleagues, whereas kindness and being able to empathise with the emotions and thoughts of others are key formulae for healthy relationships. As mentioned earlier, compassion and kindness are the best-kept secrets to successful leadership, health and happiness.
The Dalai Lama shared: “I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultivation of altruism, of love and compassion, and elimination of ignorance, selfishness and greed.”
“The smartest kids, they work so hard in all these classes and they don’t have a lot of time along the way to build their emotional or character competencies. Kids who are competent, but don’t have character, are dangerous,” Houston Kraft, a professional speaker, leadership consultant, and kindness advocate, told New York Epoch Times.
“Compassion plus kindness—that’s the winning mixture. That’s what makes the world a better place,” he added.
So how can parents incorporate the values of kindness and compassion into their parenting? Listed below is a 5-step approach recommended by Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist:
1. Make caring a priority
Instead of making our children’s needs the top priority, we should focus more on how they have met someone else’s needs, and teach them about their responsibilities to others. This would mean their obligations must be fulfilled even if it makes our children unhappy. For example, when they quit a team, we should ask if they have rendered all their obligations to the team.
2. Provide opportunities to care and show gratitude
When opportunities to care are presented in everyday life, it forms in children a routine to care. Soon, it will be second nature.
Caring does not need to take place solely outside the house. It can be as simple as helping with household chores.
Then, at the end of the day, it is important to reinforce these actions by talking to your children to understand whom they have showed care for or expressed gratitude to during the day.
3. Enlarge their circle of concern
Many times, children do not show concern for others as they have taken the service rendered to them for granted.
Thus, it is important to make children feel grateful and blessed for everything that they have received, which includes being thankful for seemingly simple acts like being waited upon by a waitress.
This would in turn make them understand and feel the hardship that others are facing.
Children will observe and imitate their parents’ behaviour in different situations. If they observe a parent being rude to a waitress, they will think it is acceptable to be rude to service staff. It is thus important for us to practice what we preach.
4. Be a role model
As they always say, “kindness begins at home”. Children are impressionable and will imitate their parents. Their first words are usually common words spoken by their parents.
Likewise, they will observe and imitate their parents’ behaviour in different situations. If they observe a parent being rude to a waitress, they will think it is acceptable to be rude to service staff. It is thus important for us to practice what we preach.
Another way is to pose dilemmas or seize learning opportunities in situations where an unkind act is being presented. For example, if you are watching a movie where a character is being unkind, pose your child probing questions like “how do you think this makes the person feel?” This would make your child put him/herself in other’s shoes.
5. Managing negative emotions
The willingness to help and care is often overcome by negative emotions. We need to teach our kids to recognise that these emotions are normal and should not affect our interactions with others.
Other than the aforementioned strategies, getting your kids involved in voluntary projects is one of many meaningful and priceless ways to foster compassion and kindness in them.
“I feel that it is good to inculcate the spirit of voluntarism from young where parents can bring their families out for small voluntary projects such as fundraising events and slowly increase their exposure to more extensive voluntary projects,” opined Ang Kok Kiong, an undergraduate doctor at International Medical University, who led a group of 30 students to a rural area of Burma, Myanmar, in a Community Involvement Programme (CIP) to offer health screenings and set up a proper health care programme for some villagers in 2015.
He thinks volunteering is a powerful tool to make a profound impact on our lives. “When we serve, we meet people in circumstances different from our own circumstances; we develop greater empathy and learn what it means to walk in the shoes of another person,” he said.
“I feel that after going through these projects, students do get more compassionate as after going through such life changing experiences, they will have a deeper understanding and appreciation of life itself,” he shared, and “this is something that cannot be learned through textbooks”.
Starting them young is Project Awareness, a social initiative that has worked with a few kindergartens in their voluntary projects.
“It was heartwarming seeing those cute toddlers pushing the trolley, with the company of a teacher or volunteer to collect donations from the residents,” echoed Elson Soh, singer-songwriter and founder of Project Awareness.
